Elizabeth Holmes Arrives To Trial With Prototype For Black Box That Will Prove Her Innocence - The Onion

SAN JOSE, CA—Touting the piece of technology as revolutionizing the legal industry, Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes reportedly arrived for the beginning of her trial for wire fraud Monday with a prototype for a black box that will prove her innocence. “Too often what we see in criminal cases like this is a rush to convict based on scant and dubious evidence, but what this incredible machine allows us to do is conclusively prove my innocence in just a few minutes,” said Holmes, showing the judge how the tabletop prototype worked by simply scanning a person’s fingerprints and establishing her innocence for over 200 different crimes. “Inside the device, which I recently patented, tiny internet-connected modules run real-time tests using your fingerprint data to obtain a comprehensive picture of the defendant’s personal history and psychological profile, which it then compares to statistical models of criminal behavior and aggregated judicial analytics to render a verdict, which in my case I am positive will be innocence. Because the Darrow, as we’ve named the device after famed lawyer Clarence Darrow, is able to render the correct verdict with over 150% more accuracy than a typical legal trial. It also allows us to get the verdict in mere minutes, obviating the need for a difficult trial that can go on for months or even years. It’s all right here in this one convenient black box.” At press time, the judge had invited Holmes to inform him how he could get in on the ground...

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